Brintellix/Vortioxetine-my journey to Hell

The term depression/ depressed is misused continuously.

Feeling a bit low or sad are natural human states, one cannot constantly be 'up' especially in this world.

However, the day you cannot function or feel and only see total darkness, can't eat, get dressed, no longer process mentally and the only relief is the thought of sleeping peacefully forever and never waking up...

Well, this is a whole different condition

Back in the 90's I was one of the unfortunate 'guinea pigs' who was given the so-called miracle drug, Prozac following serious post-partum depression. Before the age of 24 I had been on both Prozac and Seroxat with disastrous consequences and I swore never again.

The depression has come and gone over the years in varying degrees of severity but I had managed not to succumb to medication or psychiatric intervention even following various major medical incidents and interventions, including the trauma of literally almost bleeding to death, being resuscitated, given blood transfusions and a full hysterectomy.
It took time to recover from the physical and mental trauma. They attempted to give me Lorazepam which was a disaster, again.
With natural medicines, support from family and friends and my hypnotherapy training, I gradually recovered...

Until specific events from 2020 onwards; pandemic, murder, multiple loss and trauma finally broke my mind and spirit.

-

2022
I sat in A&E and literally begged the Psychiatrist to put me out of my misery following a very dangerous near miss on the motorway whilst driving to see my daughter in hospital, when I had complete dissociation, feeling my mind and spirit leaving my body, whilst driving and almost crashed the car.

His exact words in Spanish were , 'the system is shit' ( una mierda) 'I would send you away to a Psychiatric hospital in the countryside where you could be with nature and your nervous system could recover but no such thing exists here and if I hospitalise you, you will get even worse!'

I was only slightly surprised to hear a medical practitioner tell the truth: He was clearly burnt out and disillusioned.

I had been told about Brintellix/Vortioxetine by a friend who also suffered major depressive disorder and had also tried many antidepressants, therapy and natural medicines but nothing consistently worked.

She had seen a Psychiatrist privately who had recommended it for people like us for whom other medication did not work and apparently had the 'least side effects.'

Given my well known super hypersensitivity to everything, surgical interventions that had gone badly wrong as my body rejected just about everything, I was understandably disturbed and concerned but likewise desperate.

The hospital psychiatrist was surprised I knew about Vortioxetine but agreed that following my previous history it may be the best and only possible option right now.

Given the state of the health system and the total collapse, only two appointments per YEAR were available to see the Psychiatrist and not much more to see the psychologist.

You are basically on your own with the odd GP appointment with doctors who rarely have the experience or knowledge to oversee the effects of such medication on their patients.

I was started on 5mg and instructed to increase to 10mg.

He told me about the minor side effects which most people experience for the first weeks which I immediately had: nausea, dizziness and extreme leg cramps, which gradually dissipated and I began to level out .
My nearest and dearest especially my daughters initially saw a big difference in me.

My manic episodes of highs and extreme lows disappeared, my 'crazy' eyes calmed, I slept, my entire demeanour changed, I was not zombiefied, I functioned but was still able to cry and feel grief but it did not consume me.

I no longer shook or had to stop the car when I saw or heard an ambulance ( yes PTSD)
Or had palpitations, shaking or stopped breathing.

I felt like a different person!

My daughters saw such a change they begged me not to come off. 5.mg seemed to be working very well so I decided not to increase the dose to 10. I told all this to the Psychiatrist and psychologist on the rare occasions I got to see them.

Looking back, I would estimate that for the first 9 months things were on an even keel and I was slowly improving and 'managing ' life.

Unfortunately, more external stress hit and I had to leave Spain and help my sick offspring in the UK for months dealing with hospitals, clinics, the authorities and major emotional stress.

I was advised there to increase my medication to counter effect the stress and worry but I refused as I was already feeling out of sorts but put it down to what was happening and rather extreme menopausal symptoms.

It slowly felt like system collapse and not just mental; every organ including my heart just felt 'weird' as if they were malfunctioning. I already had gut issues and flare ups of diverticulitis but this felt different.
Simultaneously there was some more sudden death, more changes in my life and I no longer knew if it were me reacting or the meds:

The swelling on my right side came and went consistently, pain under my arms and around my right breast
Breathlessness

Neck pain
Tachycardia
Water retention
Joint pain
Headache
Dizziness
Fatigue
Confusion
Memory loss
Left hand tremor...

By December 2023 I was experiencing all these symptoms consistently but no-one was majorly concerned.
Again, blood tests were 'normal ' the Psychiatrist again told me to increase the meds because of the effects of another year of more severe stress.

I can only express it as the feeling I was being slowly being poisoned and my organs were malfunctioning, breaking down.

I spent 3 weeks at my boyfriends house in Denmark in December where I experienced all the above symptoms.

I ended up in A&E with severe abdominal pain but they couldn't find anything wrong and suggested I was suffering a flare up.

I was conscious of diet, gentle exercise, breath work, meditation everything I could do to calm myself.

A couple of friends urged me to come off the antidepressants but I was frightened I would severely crash mentally so decided I would be off them by the spring though simultaneously concerned they were the cause of the strange symptoms.

December 31st Spain

A chef friend of my daughter gave us a bag of small festive biscuits in a market and I happily munched away before starting to feel really strange and unwell. Thought I was suffering sugar overload.

Until I literally had another total out of body experience in the car and hit the deck, on my side unable to move and spinning out of control.
My daughters were horrified and long story short, I found out the biscuits contained marijuana.

Not a problem if I'd had one or even two but combined with the anti depressants and the symptoms I was already suffering, the next 8 hours to 10 hours were horrific.

It took 3 people to carry me out the car, put me to bed where I was laughing crying, convulsing, then feeling like I was slowly becoming unconscious, my heart pounding, freezing cold, and again complete dissociation.

The girls brought me food and drink and were very frightened but I was way too weak, traumatised and paranoid to go to hospital and the average 6 hours wait on a hard chair in my current state was unthinkable.

The following days did not show much improvement and I knew something was seriously wrong
I contacted a nurse who worked with CBD products.

She said the extreme effects should have worn off after a few days but then asked if I was on any medication. When I told her about the antidepressants and the side effects I was already experiencing she talked about serotonin syndrome and suggested I see a doctor immediately.

I specifically requested my daughter accompany me, not just because I was suffering extreme dizziness and confusion but I wanted a witness to what I already foresaw would happen:

I went to A&E at my local GP surgery and explained the whole story to the duty GP.
She literally laughed at the biscuit story, said it could do no long term harm and told me to take a couple of diazepam and leave my pills for two days. She insisted that 5mg of Brintellix could barely affect me. You stare at that person in a white coat telling YOU about YOUR body, YOUR mind, what you can possibly be feeling or not feeling and laughing at your suffering.

I had to explain to this so called doctor about serotonin syndrome, my concern that I was evidently not right before the incident and my extreme reaction a week on etc

My headaches were worse, my blood pressure was up (I usually have low blood pressure)
She fobbed me off, said go to the hospital if you want but they can do nothing, you'll be fine in a couple of days.

It is now April the second 2024

Well, as we enter month 4, It's been a horrific time.

My condition continued nothing improved until I finally decided to come off the medication on the 15^th of February. I halved the already small dose and then abruptly stopped already feeling like irreparable damage had been done to my body and brain function.

Following more convulsions, loss of feeling in my face, hearing voices, slurred speech and almost an inability to move I was once again back at the doctor's where this time the doctor was visibly concerned and immediately sent me to hospital for a brain scan and more tests.

Again, they said all was 'normal' but needed further investigation by a neurologist..

As you feel yourself slowly slip away and the medical profession consistently tells you they cannot find anything wrong despite:
Convulsions, dissociation, electric storm in brain, my mouth and legs going numb , extreme dizziness . Swelling right hand, right breast, under arm, breathlessness, hand tremor left hand tremor, headaches, extreme fatigue, bone aches..

Every day for over two months dizziness
Dizziness so.bad I have to hold on to the table or cannot drive
A feeling that my brain is loose, floating in my head, my sensitivity to noise and light is extreme.

Loss of simple words, severe fatigue, once so severe that after ten minutes of helping my mother with an English class for a little boy I had to take to my bed for hours as my brain literally felt like it had been drained and my body collapsed. ( I I used to be an English teacher)

My mind swirls and whirls, mostly I can rarely remember the days of the week. I get extreme bursts of adrenaline/mania for minutes followed by system crash.


The story goes on and on...
My 'urgent' brain scan is 5th May then await results. My life generally feels like it is on hold
Good days, bad days. No income.

One day I can walk for over an hour then I need bed rest for 2 days.
I've withdrawn from most activity and the world.

I've reported all the above to the Spanish centre for adverse reactions to medication.
And to Lundbeck the manufacturer of the anti-depressant.

Meanwhile I wait and wonder if I'll ever fully recover and if there's long term brain damage
Moments of severe darkness and non stop crying, nightmares, depression followed by moments of total normality and laughter...up and down like a yo yo.

I'm taking B vitamins and Ashwaganda for my nervous system and magnesium for the bone pain,
Herb teas, breath work, meditation, everything to help myself.

I've told the manufacturers they need to investigate this, they need to use their 'expertise ' and 'specialists ' to help and carry out the tests.
The health system is broken, the resources are not there, nor the knowledge.

Both the Psychiatrist and the GP do not know what to do nor how to handle the more extreme, rare cases of adverse effects nor again have the resources.

An urgent response from the Psychiatrist takes 7 days (though they promised 24 hours)
The locals call our hospital ' the tomb'

There is some light at the end of the tunnel:
Even up to days ago I couldn't even sit in front of my laptop and concentrate or write a few sentences and I've just managed a long in depth article. That is promise and gives me hope.

I know there are others out there with similar stories...

We shall see where this leads me and the response from the manufacturers..

Watch this space.

https://www.webmd.com/brain/serotonin-syndrome-causes-symptoms-treatments

https://www.bmj.com/content/349/bmj.g5312/rr/775731

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6839490/#ref006

https://neurosciencenews.com/antidepressant-withdrawal-22873/

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/brintellix-addiction/withdrawal-detox/