“A tear that hangs inside my soul forever” Jeff Buckley fans will know what I’m talking about, so will a certain character in my book…
Damn it! How many more books do I have to write to shake that ghost, or was Jeff right? He will simply be a tear that hangs inside my soul forever…?
Carry the pain with you, let it remain but don’t allow it to overwhelm you ever again; simply be present, feel it, recognize it and when it shows it’s face as it is with me right now-just let it flow-emotional pain is after all inherent to the human condition. It’s at the core of the greatest love songs, poetry, Art etc. How can you empathize if you’ve never felt it? That is my mantra, good isn’t it: Except it’s easier said than done.
Some of us carry a soundtrack to our lives and Jeff Buckley is part of mine, for ten long years I couldn’t listen to the album, ‘Grace’ so strong were the memories and pain, until one day I tentatively picked it up and wondered if now was the time; Yes, the tears flowed, the memories remain but the pain was manageable-I was moving on-until he walked straight back into my life a decade later…
And then he walked straight back out-some things are just not meant to be, right? So I sit here almost four years later, my novel in hand, listening to Jeff Buckley, wondering if I’ll ever learn my lesson; thinking about the kid we couldn’t have, the dreams we never fulfilled, the journeys we never shared; On a good day I’ll thank him silently for the inspiration he gave me and on a bad day, well a bit like today and the sleepless night and nightmares, I’ll wish to God I never met him.
What triggers the memories? Meeting someone that just slightly reminds you of that person perhaps? I know in my case and yet I don’t know why when I thought I’d put that ghost to rest, it’s returned with an almighty bang temporarily knocking me sidewise. It’s called bereavement-in this case the person may be still alive but the healing process can be a lengthy one-anger, sadness, confusion just many of the states one will pass through on the journey.
I don’t have any words of wisdom on this because quite simply there aren’t any though I leave you with Paulo Coelho who sums it up beautifully with an extract from ‘The Alchemist’ the quote at the beginning of my novel:
“Don’t think about what you’ve left behind,” the alchemist said to the boy as they began to ride across the sands of the desert. “Everything is written in the soul of the world, and there it will stay forever”
A THOUSAND MILES FROM NOWHERE-EPILOGUE “And then I realize how much he meant to me, too much, far too much. I was devastated. I felt as if part of me had vanished, torn apart. I found myself wandering the streets searching for him, refusing to comprehend that he’d simply walked out of my life. I’d catch a glimpse of someone similar on the street and follow him, heart in mouth, praying it was him. I waited every day for the letter that never came. My pain turned to obsession. Nothing else mattered. I spiralled, down and down. I guess it’s hard to understand, but until it happened to me I’d never understood that depth of emotion either. Believe me, now I wish I hadn’t. I finally understood the expression, ‘broken-hearted’. I was broken alright. I made an internal pact with myself and the devil that never, ever, would I love like that again.
My heart froze over. It would take a long time to thaw.
They say it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
I would question that. How do you know when it’s true love? Perhaps it is the
dull ache that still sits within your heart, a face, a name which has taken up
permanent residence in your mind, refuses to leave, no matter how many
years later. The emptiness persists, despite countless hedonistic attempts to
mitigate the pain, and that same song brings everything to a standstill and a
lump so big in your throat that it threatens to burst. Perhaps then you know
it’s the real deal.
Things were never the same again after that night.
Destiny took over, the path that my life was to follow took on twists and
turns that previously would have been unimaginable to me. No matter what I
did or where I went, Jed was there, haunting me, following, ever present.
So, finally, I set out on a journey of self-destruction in an attempt to blot
out his memory once and for all."