Who am I? What am I? That is the question all conscious human beings ask during their first existential crisis.
Me, myself and I have walked the path of 'what the hell is all this about' from a very young age, questioning, questioning and driving everyone crazy with my 'whys?'
I clearly remember my first major existential crisis around the age of 9. I can't recall what triggered it but it was a massive moment of enlightenment, recognition of the 'self', realisation that we are not immortal and there's more to life than playing with my friends, whiling away the days climbing trees, playing barbies, running free and carefree...
The, what is this all about? moment.
It hit me out of nowhere-it may have been around the time I watched a film about nuclear war and my very vivid imagination was caught up in the horrors of what mankind was truly capable of. Things began to change when the reality of my mortality hit. Perhaps first on a subtle level but as I entered my teens I became steadily more introvert, spending long periods devouring a huge array of literature (this coincided with moving abroad with my family, so a difficult period in general). I went from reading Kafka to the horrors of the Second World War, which equally horrified and fascinated me; what creates such evil and insanity?Why are people so easily led? What makes a cult leader/dictator? Charisma? A sociopath/psychopath?
I just couldn't understand anything around me-really humanity seemed such a hugely flawed and messed up bunch! I really didn't feel that I belonged. Don't get me wrong, I was, and continue to be, well aware of my own flaws, but at that stage of my life I was still engaged in the mass media, constantly watching the news and, like most, fearful of all that darkness out there...
My mother had her faith (born again Christian) My father, a more private faith, having been educated amongst sadistic Irish priests at a Catholic boarding school in India-best not discuss!
I found myself hovering somewhere between both but NOT really impressed by religion which I perceived, and continue to do so, as a tool of fear and mind control. Sorry guys, I did say this is an opinion piece.
LSD and the doors of perception....
So, the obvious next stage on my journey was to 'open the doors of perception'. Oh dear! I can imagine you tutting now...
You can see where that path took me. "LSD", make of it what you will, but at the tender age of 18 I decided I needed answers from the universe on a different level of consciousness and Acid was the key to start my trip into another realm. And so it began, alongside my 'guide' a slightly more experienced and trustworthy older german gentleman, who unfortunately metamorphosed into a stick insect during one of my 'trips' which was slightly inconvenient it must be said. Speaking to a stick insect can be slightly off putting at the best of times. I was however, treated to some visual treats that consequently rocked my world.
The book of life, the creation of the universe, aliens, higher connections, you name it, I experienced it, unlike my fellow dabblers who had a few 'visual's and got high. I truly began to realise that there was a whole lot more out there buzzing on a different vibrational level that I was not yet ready to understand.
The effects of the LSD persisted for quite a while on a deep sensorial level but despite my amazing experiences there had been some darker ones which led me to put a stop to any further dabbling as all of us at had met what we called 'the LSD casualties', the ones who never quite made it back sadly.
Some of you may be asking what I mean by 'sensorial' changes? Not only did I perceive colours as much brighter, vivid and alive, music became a whole new experience as I literally 'felt' it (the vibrations of course) and once clearly saw the musical notes in the air before me. Beyond that my 'other doors' opened, ones that I wasn't quite ready nor prepared for.
Now, decades later and somewhat wiser I have learnt to embrace these 'gifts' and respect them but back then I was not ready and I was fearful. Walking into places and deeply sensing any darkness/anguish present and receiving 'messages' as to what had previously occurred was rather perturbing, especially when furniture began to move alone or I could physically feel the presence of an unknown being against me-this was so NOT what I had signed up for! First I blamed the LSD then became fearful I was 'losing my mind'.
Well, actually it was quite the opposite but I was not yet ready, emotionally nor spiritually, to deal with such things.
Born Again Christianity...
So, Which path should I take next? I became a born again Christian, baptised in the sea at sunny Benidorm, Spain (where I resided at the time) married, converted and became a mother at 21. Threw away some of my more 'occultish' paraphernalia as dictated by the church at the time though I kept my nose ring in of course-not particularly satanic methinks! Nor did I stop listening to my heavy metal though I hid some of the more arm, not very Christian albums like Ozzy Osbourne. I began speaking in tongues and had some pretty meaningful spiritual experiences but I still did not 'fit' with 'church'. There were many things that caused internal conflict; so a divorce, change of country and a few different church experiments later, I realised that this was NOT the path for me. I quit religion. Again.
What does that mean? I quit organised groups of humans who do NOT practice what they preach but love to judge others. I love to share with others who have similar views and connect on a deep level but my 'faith/spirituality' is deeply private and personal to me and nor could I stand the huge amounts of hypocrisy, lies, players and egos which I came across countless times.
That is neither love nor spirit and without either there is no foundation to work upon. Jesus christ would be appalled to see in so many places how his name and great teachings have been bastardised and misconstrued. He was a great teacher and a highly evolved being-beyond that I leave each of you with your own beliefs to decide who and what he was. There are of course good people in the church, genuine people and I remain respectful and thankful for their existence but the church is simply not my path.
Therapy and 'The Power Of Now'
So now what? I was very angry with my experiences of church and many of the people who were part of it all, some of my experiences left me bitterly disappointed and traumatised.
The psychotherapy I received at the time was truly enlightening and introduced me to a different path connecting with the mind and its workings as well as helping to heal so many emotional wounds and I began to learn how to 'reframe'.
Where did I feel most at peace? With nature. Nature became my church and the peace and calm I felt sitting under an ancient tree with all its wisdom, the sunshine on my face, the sound of the birds and nature buzzing around me-THAT is what took me to my place of deep peace and oneness.
And then I read the 'Power Of Now' and it all began to fall into place...
My obsession with the past-many depressives will adhere to that rule-Or obsession with the future and how everything will be different then but what about NOW? The HERE AND NOW? This living breathing moment which is all that really exists. Ah yes, my 'Light bulb' moment had begun.
I began to meditate (at times with huge difficulty, at odds with my racing brain!) I became far more 'conscious' aka heightened awareness of EVERYTHING, my breath, every sensorial moment, the sound of traffic, the feeling of the breeze, the stillness of this moment and how time is purely a human concept which means little in the vastness of the universe.
I began to 'observe' my own thought patterns and responses as if in the third person, realising how silly and pathetic I could be at times and began the ever so important lesson of if we cannot love and respect ourselves how on earth could we expect anyone else to? Or certainly not in the way we deserve, (toxic relationships, anyone?!)
So I had finally, in my 30's began the path I'm on today, with many hiccups, or let's be honest and say f**k ups, along the way but in the right direction at least.
The wonderful world of Hypnosis
Many books (meditation, shamanism, healing, magic etc etc), workshops, and self realisations later I finally began a course in Hypnotherapy following years of fascination with the workings of the mind and the vast unknown within it (the subconscious/unconscious and the superconscious!). This has been absolutely life changing, Transformational. I'm not here to extol the virtues of Hypnosis for change-but it is a bloody brilliant tool, in the hands of the right person/therapist.
All hypnosis is in theory self hypnosis and the hypnotherapist merely guides you into the state of hypnosis at varying degrees of depth depending on the transformational work being carried out while you and your subconscious mind carry out the positive changes based on the guidance and positive suggestions being given by the therapist. I have learnt an awful lot in the last couple of years and will never stop learning regards to the incredible power of the mind. Hypnotherapists are like any other human beings and anyone else in the 'therapy world', on the whole they are good people who want to help others transform their lives for the better. With the odd bad apple amongst them...
So this leads me to where I am today constantly learning, researching, fascinated by the many incredible therapeutic tools at our fingertips and an exciting and enlightening path ahead.
2020 I believe will be a year of great change on many levels. We begin this new decade with many challenges, particularly the fear caused by climate change/climate catastrophe and climate manipulation (watch this space for my thoughts on this one!)
These are some of the key points I've learnt for 'wellness and 'mindfulness', essential things to help keep one sane and balanced while we continue with this 'experiment' on planet Earth!
1) We are a 'physical' body a vessel, which needs fuel. The right kind of fuel so it can thrive and protect against sickness. So nutrition is a very important part of that. I really don't think any of us need a lesson in what the body does NOT need, do you? Vast quantities of alcohol, tobacco, processed foods full of synthetic growth hormones, antibiotics, heavy metals, too many prescription drugs etc. We all know what that is doing to the general population!
Keep it as natural and 'balanced' as possible. Obvious really. We ARE what we eat.
Our body is our temple, we are only given one (in this life at least) therefore it makes sense to take care of it, enjoy it and take pride in it which is not the same as narcissism by the way. Engage in Exercise/physical activity -the type we enjoy so it's not a chore but a way of feeling good physically AND mentally.
So, good nutrition and movement are key.
2) Following the body, what about Mind?No one can deny that a healthy balanced mind (peace of mind) is a Key Element to wellness. The right Mind input is crucially important-yes we are all so very different-one size does NOT fit all but please, in all honesty, if you spend hours watching the blatant death and destruction of the world and its inhabitants (I.e The News) Do you feel bloody wonderful afterwards? Does filling your mind with death, destruction, rape, abuse and other atrocities fill you with a sense of peace and wellbeing?
Perhaps there are those who claim to be unaffected by it but I would question exactly what 'kind' of people they are. Hey, I like current affairs, I like the 'truth' -define please- I don't wish to completely abscond from the world but I don't need to O.D on your negative shit, world!
Feed your mind the good stuff. Give your mind peace time, heal time, switch off time. Find something that works for you for mind health and healing whether it be one of the many great therapies, yoga, Tai chi etc whatever is good for you. Clear the hang ups from the past, reframe and continue the good work for the rest of your life for we are ALL a work in progress!
I question pretty much any human especially 'therapists' and 'gurus' who believe they have reached the level of ''perfection' and higher consciousness and no longer need to work on themselves. Bullshit brothers and sisters, for as long as you reside on planet Earth YOU are a work in progress!Watch that EGO!
We are all flawed in some way or another no matter how good our intentions may be. So, I reiterate, self work is life long, just as is learning-and these are positive things that allow us to evolve.
3) MIND_BODY_SPIRIT: So I think we are getting somewhere now-there is no point on working on one element whilst ignoring the others-balance is key!
You could be a gym fanatic, have a wonderful fit body, use great nutrition but fill your mind and spirit with rubbish! Something is not going to function so well there, right? And in all honesty, if SOCIAL MEDIA is anything to go by, boy so many are seriously out of balance! Beautiful bodies with sick minds.
That may sound harsh but having two daughters who fortunately are not too hung up on social media (mainly Instagram and Facebook) I have to do a lot of deep breathing to stop me throwing their phones out the windows at the few times they show me some of the dangerous vacuous crap they are being fed. They are both intelligent, discerning individuals who have been brought up to be honest and question everything -including me!
I don't want Zombies for children and sadly the world is full of them: Zombies who do not question anything, simply exist, fill their bodies and minds with what the media dictates. Scary.
Spirit- how do you define that in a universally acceptable way? Well perhaps you don't, as human beings rarely agree on anything.
So how about it is what YOU believe it to be? Your essence, your individual spark, inner being, universal connection, energy field, God connection...
Whether you are a devout religious believer, or an atheist or agnostic, it can be whatever rings true for you. And you as an individual will know, when that 'spark' is NOT glowing, not being fed, when your inner peace is absent and needs reviving. Whatever is your way, you will know it.
Those 3 key elements; Mind, Body, Spirit in BALANCE, in my mind at least, amount to WELLNESS and the path to WELLNESS is of course, MINDFULNESS because when you become 'conscious' 'mindful' you begin to make the relative changes that lead to that all round wellness.
Balance really is what we are attempting to achieve in every area of our lives: Life/work balance. That again is a continuous work in progress depending on your family/children/work/economic situation.
I'm not going to lie here and pretend that I'm sooo in the 'now' and 'blissed out balanced' that the Trumps, Putins, Divisive Europe, Syria, North Korea etc don't ever fill me with a vague sense of dread-they do! But only sometimes as I no longer live in constant FEAR aka Future Events Appearing Real. I allow the feeling, observe and consider. Consider what, you may ask. These people, these powers, they are all real but so are those that go way beyond theirs.
I speak out, I sign petitions, I've been on marches for change but I know deep down only REAL CHANGE comes when each and everyone of us stops, and takes a long hard look at him/herself and begins the road to change from within which in turn has huge repercussions on the outside.
When I look around at world events and find the negativity taking over, the feeling of helplessness that we are being drawn back to the dark ages -I stop, take a deep breath (yes, this girl takes ALOT of deep breaths!) and I change the channel-the mental channel that is.
How about change it to-Oh wow, they are teaching MINDFULNESS to kids at school, how amazing is that?! Those kids are not only going to change the future but the NOW, as their learning rubs off on their friends, siblings and their families. This is amazing stuff!
So, I reiterate:
WE ARE ALL A WORK IN PROGRESS, life is a journey of non stop learning, moments of bliss, moments of deep sadness, triumphs and failures but one thing I have learnt is the power of GRATITUDE: Every day and night I give thanks, either silently or out loud for everything I have, whether it be the roof over my head, the beautiful mountain views, my healthy kids, my loving family and friends, my cats...
No matter how small and obvious some things may seem I know how huge they'd be if I didn't have them. In fact I make even more of a point of saying them, feeling the emotion when I'm in physical or emotional pain, to raise my vibration and stop the self pity-(even if justified at times!) As someone who has a history of depression, I can tell you these mental and spiritual exercises are hugely powerful and mind changing and not to be scoffed at.
I hope this all makes sense to someone, somewhere...
Enjoy your journey my friend :)
PEACE
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