Do you ever feel like wiping that false smile off your face? Get sick of putting on a brave face for the sake of everyone but Yourself? Remaining constantly optimistic and believing the best of everyone must surely be the most tiring part in the attempt to be a balanced human being-when let’s face it after being let down for the millionth time you just want to scream-You are all a bunch of piss taking fuckers! I’ve had enough of believing the best of everyone! In fact I was walking along earlier or rather-hobbling in my semi incapacitated state which has not helped my state of mind these days-when I heard this woman behind me screaming obscenities down the phone-my immediate instinct was British sensibility-‘that’s a bit much in public-tone it down love’ then only minutes later I was hit with the complete opposite thought –How fucking liberating is that! Not giving a damn what anyone thinks-why put on a brave face when someone has screwed you good and proper? Which from what me and the whole world could hear of her conversation, had happened to the furious stranger. I’m not suggesting we all go around venting our spleen publically on a daily basis in an aggressive manner but hey-the odd honest public rant is liberating-even if it does result in you being carted off to a place where they house ‘unbalanced people’- a place which In my mind would then house the entire human race: I dare you to show me a balanced human being! My smile used to always be in place even when dying inside-I remember the confusion and disbelief on people’s faces when I was diagnosed with clinical depression years ago-‘But you’re always smiling-you can’t be depressed! We thought you were always cheerful!’ Always cheerful? Isn’t that pushing optimism to its limit? I thought it was just me-locked in my little world-my confused head that told me I should be brave-responsible-accept everything that life threw at me-when in reality I was lost as fuck and exhausted from being what I thought everyone expected of me-breaking down was actually one of the most liberating moments of my life-what followed was NOT-but the journey taught me more than anything else in my life-It is coming up to almost 2 decades since I went through those dark times but of course ‘they’ occasionally return and rear their ugly heads-most of the time I refuse to allow them to consume me and my ‘optimism’ wins over but other times…. When I first read ‘Prozac nation’ I remember what can only be described as a huge sense of relief-‘It’s not just me’! And yes-I was drugged-tranquilized on said drug-zombified: A momentary relief from FEELING until I eventually realised I had disappeared-my personality was no more-feeling pain-feeling joy-just feeling for fucks sake was what made me human: No matter how many times I considered the possibility that I was from another planet-I’ve yet to be beamed back up so I can only conclude that for now I am one of you- and that means feeling whether we like it or not. Writing liberates me-thank god for something I can do that relieves the dull ache momentarily-yes I go through periods of debilitating writer’s block too-but I feel at a loss when I don’t put my feelings down whether it be on paper or on the screen before me: Someone once told me that is what makes a REAL writer-that is what separates you from those who write as a hobby-those who HAVE to write. Well, who knows? Perhaps I haven’t gone out on the street screaming ‘Fuck You all’ (no offense people, it’s nothing personal) but I’ve liberated some of those mixed up feelings-We can’t always put on a brave face people-sometimes it’s okay to cry and be disappointed in those you thought you could trust and every other fucker out there-shout-let it out-then take a deep breath and get on with life’s journey-pleasure-pain-pleasure-pain-the cycle of life… Then go write about it.