The conversation-Middle East 2020

Image from the film "Apocalypse now"

The conversation-Middle East 2020

I thought back to 2017. The day my fears were very real. Those who believed, those who didn’t.

Trying to make sense of something that was almost impossible to make sense of, but here we were two and a half years later and now things were slowly falling into place.

Despite my open mind, the nothing ever surprises me approach to life, even I would have had trouble believing the story that was unfolding around us right now.

I shivered again but this time it wasn’t the desert cold. It was a chill that ran through me. He turned and looked at me, directly holding my gaze with those piercing eyes.

“You feel it. I see that now. But let’s see how much you really feel.” He nodded at me, an indication that it was time for me to tell him everything I knew.

I began my story again back to 2005 and fast forwarded to 2017. I paused for breath and continued.

“2019. Things had sped up. The collapse was coming on various fronts over there particularly driven by the rental market. The prices once again going crazy, completely disproportionate to the wages. Greed. Bad working conditions, no back up for many, or very little at most. I could see it clearly. My own business shut down, no surprise there. I’d walk along the street and every day I’d see another empty premises, another devastated business. I just couldn’t understand how people couldn’t see how bad it was and what was coming. You feel anger, frustration and begin to wish it would all come crumbling down just to wake people up. I’ve been involved in protests, demonstrations, tried my hand at local politics and what I learnt very quickly, was a lot of people like to complain, but few act on it.” He was listening carefully.

“I’d listen to mainstream media, alternative sources, do research around the world, chat to people in other countries to see their perspective. I’ve always known we’re part of a game, or rather those of us at the bottom are pawns in a vast game. The problem is in the West, most people, not all I can tell you there is a lot of poverty too, but still, from the middle classes up, they’re kind of cocooned. They find it hard to imagine a government that could possibly use its own people as collateral damage.” He was smiling now, almost excited, nodding vigorously.

“But I’ve always thought, and this sounds fucking grim, if parents, family members, the church, if people like that can abuse, harm their own offspring , the young, the vulnerable, why is it so hard to imagine that most politicians have anything other than their own interests and the economy as their prime concern? Of course, there are good people in parliament just as not every Catholic priest is a paedo but still…”

“What I’m trying to say there, is sometimes, the people that we so desperately want to believe have our best interests at heart, can be the most ruthless.”

He looked so satisfied by my response I was momentarily concerned. Was he actually one of them?

As if reading my mind, he patted my hand reassuringly. “Sorry, if I alarmed you, my face is an open book. You read correctly. I’m satisfied, excited even. I see you are beginning to understand. But let me continue here for a moment. You Westerners, as you say correctly, compared to many parts of the World, you have had it much easier. Yes, there is poverty and suffering, homelessness, even in the great US of A, more in fact than most people realize, but, for those of us who have lived with civil war, massacre, constant endemic corruption to a level so great you can’t even imagine, religious separation and continuous deception…well, you can imagine, it’s not quite so difficult for us to see the truth. None of us have any difficulty believing our governments would sacrifice as many people as necessary for the greater good, in their minds at least. Indeed, I believe you would have many more believers, followers even, in this part of the world. You would, however, probably end up dead quicker.” He added that last part in an almost nonchalant tone. A warning perhaps?

I shook my head with a grim smile. “I feel bad saying it, but as caring as I am,  I would always run to help someone in need, yet I don’t think I love humanity enough to give up my life for them. I’m no Jesus Christ. My children, yes, the rest no. We’ve all, well actually let me rephrase that, quite a number of us, have been gifted with a mind to seek truth. You can put the information out there and let people reach their own conclusions.”

“Last year, I actually began to think I was losing my mind, All I kept seeing was the crash coming, I would observe and listen to the climate catastrophe brigade, I’d see contamination, pollution, areas of he world that seemed beyond redemption. But again, as only certain nations, certain people were taking it seriously, I asked myself how overnight we could halt this? Once upon a time, space travel was a fantasy, now I truly believed, those who could were preparing to flee, whether it to be Mars, or another planet, who knows, but let’s go fuck up another planet instead.”

 He laughed. “Yes, you are on the right track, I’m not sure about Mars, 100 percent but where you are going with the climate yes.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I could cry every day for the mass destruction we have wreaked on this earth. I can even g as far to say I have felt physical pain and almost wished Mother Earth would take out all of us humans in order to survive. Yet, there were things that didn’t add up. For decades, the greens, the environmentalists, certain scientists have been warning of what was coming. Natural climate change combined with the hand of man speeding things up at an unprecedented level. Suddenly, in the 18 months it is everywhere, screaming us in the face. Actually, it’s all coincided with the time span I’m talking about with the great crash. Suddenly, everyone cares, everyone is fearful. The young are mobilized into action, as its their future we’ve fucked up. Fear and depression, hopelessness. You can feel it, it’s tangible. Yet how, really how, are we going to halt it overnight? Stop pollution, stop using our cars, stop air travel, halt the biggest industrial nations in the world? How to stop climate change and bring the economy crashing down in a way that the governments, the finance sector, the huge multi -nationals won’t be blamed?”

 He was almost jumping up and down in his seat with excitement. I expected a round of applause at any moment now.

“And this is when it gets really, really dark.”

He intercepted. “Would you prefer me to continue now?”

I nodded and replied, “Yes, because you know what? For once in my life I don’t want to be right. I want to be so fucking wrong that I can go to bed, read a fairy tale, like when I was a kid, and believe the world is one big fantasy fairy tale and my prince charming will always be there to rescue me, and the evil witch is nothing but a figment of my imagination. I want you to laugh at all my fucking thoughts, theories as complete bullshit conspiracy theory fanatism, tell me to get a grip and shut the fuck up.” And I honestly did feel that. I really could not take much more of what I was seeing around me. I needed to see the light. I needed hope. I needed a brave new world. I knew we couldn’t possibly continue as we were. I knew life as we were living it was completely unsustainable. I knew something had to break. I wanted it to break. I wanted to stop the hellish world. The wars, destruction, unfathomable greed, the selfishness. How many more images of starving children in refugee camps? How many times had I said, stop world, I want to get off?

You know what they say, be careful what you wish for.

“Let’s continue walking. Meditation in motion. Sitting, talking these things while still is too much for the mind. I see you are a very sensitive being. People like you, whilst strong, don’t do so well in this world. You suffer from depression, you feel people’s hurt, their hatred. You don’t need to be given the information, you already have it. You see what you don’t want to see, you try to eliminate the mental images from your mind. But it’s impossible at times. Sometimes I think people like you aren’t even from this planet.”

At this point I was so taken aback as to be dumbfounded. This was not the kind of conversation I was expecting from this high- flying businessman.

“You are shocked and surprised. Don’t be. There is much you don’t know about me. But you will get to know more about me. You think just because I was born into a religion, a tradition, I can’t see beyond that? I can’t question everything I was ever taught? You think I’m so blind that I can’t question why It’s normal to believe in an omnipotent being, one great architect yet others ridicule those who believe in other species, beings, intelligence on other planets?”

He was revealing a very unexpected side to his character.

“Believe me, I’ve always questioned everything. I battled against the blind unquestioning belief, the hypocrisy, the hatred between faiths which I could never and will not ever understand. I saw humans as stupid sheep, churning out more and more of their kind, just continuing to make the same mistakes. Evolution?” He snorted. “Humans have not evolved on many levels. Yes, technology yes, but real emotional intelligence? We are as destructive, egotistical and stupid as we were thousands of years ago. Worse even. What species poisons their own water, the air that they breathe, the food that they consume? Destroys their own home? It would almost be laughable if it weren’t true.” Despite his incredibly fluent English I could see he was struggling to convey his feelings with the right words.

“This is a controlled genocide. You know that right? Everything you and I are talking about here, this conversation, only a handful of people, and when I say handful in a world of over 7 billion, there’s a few million scattered across the planet, that think like us. That know something is not right. That something doesn’t add up. But you are made to feel guilty, unpatriotic, inhuman even for expressing this. People will turn on you, family and friends, in fear and anger. When everything you have ever believed in, your entire belief system, your truth, is torn away from you, most people will reel out of control, feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath their feet.

No, you just have to sit back and watch the events take place. Prepare for step two. After fear and shock. Anger and blame. You and I both know what’s coming and who and what will be blamed. It’s been played out before in history in different guises. Let’s not even discuss Nazi Germany.

There are many good people out there sacrificing their lives for others. All those in the front line. The health workers are the obvious example. 99.9% are heroes doing their best, selfless work to save lives whilst putting their own lives in danger. The others I have omitted are those at the top who know.

The money is, and has always been there, for everything, for the health service and everything else for fucks sake. You think world governments didn’t know what was coming? How about cutting defense expenditure instead? Fuck! When will there ever be truth and justice in this fucking world?” Unexpected anger and emotion seemed to take hold of him as he kicked a rock in frustration and genuine pain.

I remained silent. My feelings of frustration, pain and anger were equally as strong but I was also exhausted. A deep fatigue of the soul. I liken it to being frozen to the spot, a helpless observer, unable to move unable to help or run to anyone’s aid as a huge accident plays out before you.

I genuinely believed this was humanity’s last chance to change, the potential for positive shift. You can work on self -improvement, work on being the best version of yourself for your children, your loved ones but when everything comes crashing down around you, that is the real test. You are faced with your fears, your weaknesses, your prejudices. Survival. That’s when you really see the depth of your soul and that of others. It won’t be immediate. It’s later that the real test begins.

He let out a long shuddering sigh. “Can we continue with this conversation tomorrow? I can’t speak anymore. It’s too much.” I nodded in silent agreement. I took his arm as we walked back in the direction of the car. At the beginning of the day we’d been strangers, and now we’d bonded at a depth that was rare. It was surreal racing through the city, a city that was alive and throbbing with life, sounds, and colours. Everything seemed unusually vivid and dazzling. Maybe I was seeing it through different eyes, as if for the first time or perhaps the last time, as I desperately and greedily drank it in to imprint these moments on my soul forever.