My head was exploding, heart pounding, my vision became blurred. There was an
almighty bang as I drove into the wall and my tire exploded…
As Britney Spears
so aptly put it, oops I did it again. He came, he went. And just when you
thought it was completely over, he reappeared once more…
The night before his
reappearance I sat under the night sky contemplating the constellations far
above me, the cool breeze caressing my hair, a wry smile upon my face as I
accepted the end of yet another chapter of my life, a short chapter that
bordered on the incredulous to some, but to me was purely par for the course. I
pondered on that incessant feeling of being pulled between dimensions, one foot
on the earth plain and the other…well, somewhere else is the only way I can
describe it.
I’ve tried in vain to be normal, whatever that bloody means; I’ve
been married, divorced, someone’s girlfriend, partner. Mother, carer, daughter,
teacher, translator, cleaner, manager, hypnotherapist, the list is endless. How
many identities do we adopt in this one lifetime? I realize that in these past
months the most deeply therapeutic and life altering experience was the moment I
suddenly shrugged off all the identities and simply became me again, and really
questioned who was this me?
Silence and solitude are generally two crucial
elements that greatly aid the introspection process and I’d been working at this
until he walked into my life. I sat reliving every second of our encounter,
every touch, look, every misunderstood word and gesture, the immensely powerful
magnetic push and pull that had punctuated this unforgettable reunion of souls.
The woman who had cracked a few months back fighting grief, trauma and
rage-probably best described as full system breakdown-didn’t seem like the same
version of me here and now. In that moment, I was dangerously on the brink,
crying my way down the motorway not caring what I was doing nor where I was
going, nor what awaited me. Good job really, always best not to know what awaits
us in this life. I laughed out loud to myself, startling only the insects and
the darkness around; God! That whole experience had been something else. I say
my internal goodbyes to the Angel of Joy, accept the experience is over and
mentally pat myself on the back for my mature response and attempt to block out
the passionate images from my mind…
***
Imagine my surprise, and admittedly a
level of annoyance, when the phone rang the following day and there he was
again, walking straight back into my life whilst I’d been simultaneously nursing
my bruised ego and breathing a sigh of relief at his absence. I hesitated
momentarily, knowing the moment I answered the phone, I would be reopening a
door back into my life. We were meant to be finished. A little voice whispered,
don’t answer it, leave it as it was, end the story with mystery and more
importantly one’s dignity intact… But you know as well as I do, curiosity would
override any level of caution. The tingles down my spine and that feeling in the
pit of my stomach drove me to answer. I took a deep breath and steadied my
voice. “Yes?” cool as a cucumber, I braced myself for the inevitable small talk.
“How are you?” He was at his most formal. “Fine and you?” Cut to the Goddamn
chase! I wanted to yell at him. “I need to discuss something with you, but it
needs to be in person, not on here…” As bloody mysterious as ever, I noted
irritably. “Oh? Well, I’m heading up to the village in a moment so…” For fucks
sake, the indignity of it all! I had almost preferred the radio silence, the
what ifs, the silent longing and inner acceptance work and now it all goes to
shit as I allow him back in. For an hour, a day, a week or a lifetime? Who
knows? Instantly the cool demeanor disappears, I fuss in front of the mirror,
what to wear? Who cares? Why do I care? I need to look good, show him what he’s
missing…no, go for the just got out of bed I don’t give a fuck look…
I was
wasting precious time fighting with myself. Who are you kidding woman? You are
absolutely bursting with curiosity to know what he wants. Yet again my ego was
attacking; you should have had the last word and walked away head held high and
never set eyes on him again. Left him wondering, longing. This constant testing
of emotions and experiences, checking your ego response, scrutinizing one’s
actions and levels of sanity then finally wondering at the infinite lessons that
had been thrown your way, well it is all quite frankly an exhausting process…
Bloody hell, talk about those mind movies! I placed my ego to one side and made
my way up to the village, predictably early as ever, punctuality being the one
British trait I been unable to discard despite my many attempts at arriving
fashionably late. I ordered a Chamomile tea to steady my nerves and stared at my
phone in a vain attempt to avoid checking the street every second. When he
finally stood before me, I was relieved to observe true consternation, angst and
uncertainty written across his face. I should have known where we would
eventually end up yet again but at this stage of contact, we were both dancing
around, sizing each other up, attempting to read emotions and give away as
little as possible. The excuse he gave for the meeting in person was so
ridiculous I almost instantly forgot why we were there in the first place and
finally just said it, “Why are we really here? What is this about? I had
accepted it was over…” Ah, that did it. Instantly the theatrical character was
back in his full glory, puffing up his chest in preparation for the verbal
onslaught which was, I kid you not, to last for the next five hours. He molded
the ends of his moustache into the Daliesque style he was so fond of and leaned
in with a glint in his eye.
“Over? Who said it was over? You now what we have is a soul connection based on
a fifth dimensional relation not third dimensional. Put away your ego and
expectation and of course labels, labels and expectations are the ruin of all
relationships! What we have is far deeper, far greater, your issue is
absolutism.” I rubbed my temples, instantly feeling the beginning of a headache
coming on… Okay, I concede, he has a point. Expectation is dangerous and
inevitably leads to disappointment but no expectation, zero…well is that even
humanly possible? And let’s get back to basics, I needed sheets on my bed in
this three-dimensional existence and he’d held on to them until this very day to
prove what? That I was an absolutist? That someone who expected for their bed
sheets to be returned so sleep could be a slightly more comfortable experience
was in the wrong dimension? I attempted to explain this truth with humour and
was instantly brushed aside. “I kept the sheets to prove that I was not an
absolutist. Nothing is absolute. If I returned everything and then disappeared,
it would have been brutal, unkind and you would have been hurt translating it to
mean I was out your life forever.”
He sat back looking satisfied at his
explanation and ordered a Whiskey. Hmm, I had never really seen him drink before
apart from a couple of glasses of wine. I ordered a shot too and realized I had
a long day ahead of me… My logic was going, what the actual fuck? All this over
some bloody bedsheets? My heart was saying, he’s on a whole other level, this is
a whole other level, no expectations remember… And my soul? My soul reminded me
that two very complex beings had clashed not only in this lifetime, but in many
previous lives and we were here to teach each other some kind of lesson…
I
downed the shot in one and stared him out.
He stared back at me holding my gaze,
a war of wills. “Well, am I wrong?” He asked, then flashed me the wicked smile
that got me every time, the fucker. “Welllllll…” Quick, you need a witty
comeback I thought desperately. The alcohol was already coursing through my
veins, the hot sun was pounding on my forehead, and I noticed the waitresses
hovering a bit too close, definitely trying to pick up some gossip. Evidently,
we stood out in the village, the strange foreign woman and Don Quixote…
He began gesticulating wildly, and momentarily all I could see was his mouth
opening and closing like a fish, all sound drowned out by the passing group of
motorbikes. Either the devil on my shoulder or the angel, really not sure which
at this point, said quite plainly, he is speaking shit, whilst its opposer said
no, he is damn right, put away that ego, and truly listen to what he has to say.
“I just wanted my fucking sheets” I find myself saying rather lamely. “And then
you could have quite easily said, I need some space, I need to work things out
and at some point, I will get in touch. It’s quite simple really. I didn’t
expect to marry you or anything. And I have your Tupperware in my car and your
chocolate biscuits” Quixote looked at me with incredulity and almost disgust.
Man, I was so 3D. “There you go again, expectations! See, your ego is too
present, listen to your soul! Why should I have been waiting for you? Who said
that was the dynamic of our relationship?” He ordered another whiskey. I ordered
another shot. This could only end in disaster. “Because” I was aware I was
shouting and both waitresses and curious passersby stopped and stared, “We
practically lived together for days, and the last time I returned you crossed
the countryside, climbed hills carrying a fucking tortilla on a China plate in
one hand to greet me, and this time suddenly you refused to even see me nor give
me my fucking bed sheets! Is it too much to ask to sleep on a bed with some
sheets and just a fucking brief explanation as to why, despite battling a
demonic presence together, you had to play fucking mind games with me!”
Oh dear.
I was saying the F word a tad too much and a tad too loudly… I was red in the
face, no longer cool as a cucumber and he was enjoying my outburst. He stroked
his moustache, and placed his hand on my knee, caressing it gently, “My dear,
stay calm. Perhaps we were mistaken in partaking in a physical relationship.
Everything changes when sex is involved even if unconsciously, a different bond
is formed, and again certain expectations are put in place” he said in a
condescending tone. I briefly remembered his previous look of angst and
consternation and the mere fact he was downing spirits must mean he was
suffering some level of discomfort at least, despite his calm words. I breathed
deeply and decided to retake control of the situation. I didn’t doubt the
element of truth and wisdom in what he said, and I knew I had responded
differently to him once we had consummated our relationship, however two could
play his game. I smiled sweetly and looked him straight in the eye, “You are
right, we should never have consummated our relationship. It was a big mistake.
Ours is a spiritual connection and we wrecked it with our desires of the flesh.
It must never happen again.” I moved closer and my lips brushed gently against
his. I felt and heard his sharp intake of breath. I caressed his leg and stroked
his hair. “You are completely right in what you said. That aspect at least of
our connection is over forever, and what will be will be.” I pulled back but he
took my arm and immediately placed my hand back on his knee. “See? Now you are
doing it again. Absolutism. It is not about never ever or yes or no, it is what
it is, whatever flows, occurs in the moment. Maybe after this conversation we
will never see each other again or I will be in your life forever or maybe we
will sleep together tomorrow…or…”
“Not if you don’t give me my fucking bedsheets
we won’t!” I growled. Men! 3D, 5D whatever, he most definitely had not reigned
in the desires of the flesh. And so, the next five hours were spent playing each
other across the table; we will, we won’t. What is life? What is not life? What
are we? What are we not? I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to punch him, he brought
out both the best and the worst in me. Finally, we peeled ourselves off the
chairs and he accompanied me to my car where we spent another hour arguing in
the hot sun. He finally handed me my sheets, I handed him his Tupperware.
“Remember my lady, this is not about the ego. We have transcended the ego, our
connection is so much greater.” He smiled triumphantly. “Fine, I agree.” I
responded. “Really, let’s just keep this simple and spiritual, keep this journey
together pure with no expectations and if I ever feel the need for a physical
relationship with a man again well, I will just find one.” His brow furrowed as
he leaned in closely, “Now, I did not say I was never going to…” “Shut up!” I
shouted. I kissed him quickly on the mouth and screeched off in my car. Agh! I
was hungry, exhausted and very mentally tired, God he was so annoying. Luckily,
I was close to the caravan. I drove very slowly in first gear and found myself
pounding on the steering wheel in frustration. Fuck! Why had I let myself be
distracted by him again? My head was exploding, heart pounding, my vision became
blurred. Evidently, he really had distracted me for in that moment there was an
almighty bang and my tire exploded as I drove into the wall… As Britney Spears
so aptly put it, oops I did it again. I had reopened the door to the angel of
joy.
***
The universe had indeed sent a subtle reminder to not steer off my path and keep
on the straight and narrow…
In the months I had spent navigating that difficult
path not once had I veered towards the wall until that day. On the physical
level, yes hours of intense debate in the sunshine without eating, somewhat
dehydrated and consuming alcohol, albeit a very small amount, was combination
enough to affect my driving skills. Still, I could not help but see the irony
and symbolism of the situation with Mr Joy.
I had reached, or at least almost
reached, a place of acceptance and distance then allowed for the disruption to
take place because of the magnetic force between us and because my curious mind
always got the better of me…
In any case, as I’m sure other creatives will
understand, the pull of the unknown is part of what fuels us, a story, an
adventure, an experience, no matter how painful, is often what keeps us going.
‘Curiosity killed the cat’ as the expression goes, well I have five cats and my
feline friends and I have much in common I can tell you. The burst tire was
irreparable and turned out to be another financial burden in already difficult
times; everything including a new tire was rapidly increasing in price due to
inflation hikes. All very tiresome. I thanked the universe for the rather
unsubtle warning and cursed both myself and the angel of increasingly less joy
for spending five hours discussing something which could easily have been
discussed in less than half that time. But again, the insatiable lust for who
could push the furthest had resulted in a lesson for me and I wondered, any
lessons for him?
This ongoing battle of wills. Despite my irritability, I
actually found myself feeling more liberated and less concerned about whether or
not I would indeed see him again. I sent him an email, the agreed form of any
future contact, telling him about my situation and my tongue in cheek response.
Unsurprisingly, his response was dry, I had realized fairly quickly that despite
having a pretty sharp sense of humor, it was not on my level and perhaps through
linguistic and cultural differences, he did not capture my wit or somewhat at
times, bizarre humor. This was about to become immediately apparent.
The
following day I had some pressing online issues that needed to be addressed, so
I made my way up to the village to use the Wifi and found myself back at the
same bar as the previous day. I was soon joined by some friendly locals I had
become acquainted with. Despite the comfortable chat I was aware time was
against me if I wished to use the Wifi as closing time was looming. In that
moment I looked up and there he was, as surprised to see me as I was to see him.
It seemed that when I stopped looking for him, or caring as much, he would
appear and judging by the look on his face, the same applied to him. He
sauntered up to the group, greeted us all, and joined in the conversation. I
sighed heavily. I knew I would not be able to tear myself away now. Time went
on, and I noticed him seem uncomfortable and agitated, which should have been my
cue to leave but again I stayed and observed. I watched him become increasingly
more brooding and wondered what was eating him up. He then surprised me by
inviting me back to his house to use his wifi. The boundaries were being broken
yet again. Despite the curious looks we said our farewells and once again
returned to where it had all begun.
He talked incessantly about the current
global situation, much of which I agreed with. He became angrier and more
passionate and again I felt myself drawn to him through our mutual beliefs. I
tried very hard to concentrate on the task at hand but every movement, look,
touch and spoken word seemed to put me off course. It was impossible to
concentrate. I eventually gave up and decided it best I leave before I regret
whatever could happen next. I felt a strong desire to run away from there as
quickly as possible. I surprised him with the speed with which I got to my feet,
hurriedly packed my things and announced I was off. He equally surprised me by
rapidly taking hold of all my bags and telling me would accompany me. Out in the
hot sun we went, walking down the mountainside and talking and talking…
Only
when we finally reached the caravan did we spend some time in silence, hot,
tired and thirsty. We sat in comfortable stillness, and I observed as he closed
his eyes and breathed deeply. “It’s gone” he said finally. “What has?” I asked
momentarily confused. He responded, “That dark energy, whatever it was that was
here. It feels peaceful again, calm, like it was the first time I met you. Have
you felt anything since?” I paused before responding, “Truthfully, yes a couple
of times but nothing compared to what we experienced. I banished it with
authority. It was definitely a male energy, not a very pleasant one, but despite
feeling some discomfort, generally I didn’t feel fear rather annoyance at being
disturbed!” I was aware that sounded rather bizarre but it was the truth and
generally I had felt much better recently, more comfortable in the darkness
alone. He looked at me with undisguised admiration. “You are quite powerful if
you have managed to banish that. Be careful with that power” He stroked his
beard and Dali tash thoughtfully.
“I thought perhaps you had provoked it with your own dark energy. I was
concerned I would feel something back in my home, but I felt nothing.” I felt
rather annoyed by his words but attempted to remain neutral and honest in my
response. “Well, I thought the same about you though I did still wonder if it
was us combined that had conjured up something or triggered a response in
something from our past…”
“Anyway, who knows, but I don’t want to give it much
thought nor more attention especially as everything feels so much lighter and
more peaceful.” He grunted in agreement and set about making a fire so we could
cook.
Soon it was nightfall and the twinkling stars, the fire and music
bewitched us. Again, those moments of freedom in nature, comfortable
companionship, music in the background, I wished they could last forever.
He
became playful, scooping me up on his back and running under the stars, pointing
out the different constellations as he’d done once before. This was the
character I loved, the spontaneous natural, playful being. Unsurprisingly one
thing led to another, and the 3D call of the flesh took over.
I couldn’t help
but smirk to myself when I thought back to the conversation of only 24 hours
before, which already felt like a lifetime ago.
Later as we lay by the fire, he
momentarily startled me with his words, “Do I remind you of Lucifer? A
woman once said I reminded her of that TV character so I studied every episode
continuously and saw not only the likeness but much interesting content, many
truths that most would not detect. The true nature and story of Lucifer is very
interesting, not what the bible tells us.” I had to hand it to him, he knew how
to turn the conversation. I still lay in post coital fluffiness, not really
prepared for the conversation about the lord of darkness. I turned over and
looked at him. “Yes, I see the likeness on various levels” Which I did, but I
felt reluctant to start discussing it right now, even though the topic had of
course piqued my interest. The character in the series was attractive,
intelligent, charming and charismatic which of course were some of the traits my
friend beside me most definitely possessed yet my internal battle was sparked
yet again.
I decided to bring in some humor and change the course of conversation slightly.
“Speaking of the lord of darkness, I’m going to show you something funny which I
hadn’t seen in years. A really silly photoshoot I did with friends when
promoting my first book. Seems a bit weird but when you understand the context not quite
so.”
Oh dear, what was coming
now? He cleared his throat and looked at me seriously, “Is it possible you
unconsciously made a pact with the devil that day? Sold your soul? Have you seen
your forehead, the inverted cross?”
“Seriously?” I sat upright in shock, anger
and disbelief. How to ruin a special moment and again totally misunderstand my
playful nature. “Even though you say unconsciously, that’s a ridiculous thing to
say! And wow, all the legends I have heard about the powerful, rich and famous
that supposedly made such a pact, how exactly does that apply to me? So far,
those three adjectives are not usually in the same sentence when describing me
and my life!” He looked at me calmly, unperturbed. “You are far more powerful
than you realize, I see it and it scares me at times. If you were to truly learn
how to harness those powers for good, to manifest anything you want and to
change all that surrounds you…” His voice trailed off.
Despite my huffiness, I
contemplated his words and felt a shiver. He got up and began to dress. “I must
go.” I felt perturbed, irritable, and fascinated. A simultaneous attack and
powerful compliment all in the same sentence. Clever.
We hugged but my barriers
had gone up yet again. I watched him disappear into the darkness as a lone
shooting star dazzled me on its trajectory above. I awoke all night and each
time I looked at the clock it was triple numbers, 1.11, 2.22, 3.33, Angel numbers I believe they call them.
I tossed and
turned, meditated, drank hot cocoa but to no avail. He’d done it once more and
triggered a massive response in me. A storm was brewing and later the caravan
was rocked by wind and rain. Water began coming in and the doors rattled. I got
up in the darkness to secure the doors and windows, only partly afraid, still
simmering over his words. ‘Sold my soul to the devil’? FFS!
I sent a simple
email the following day asking if he had got home okay and told him how the
storm had affected me. No response. A few days later I sent him an article I
knew would fascinate him. No response. Was I being an absolutist just wondering
if he was okay and if I really had sold my soul to the devil or was it simply,
men were from Mars and women from Venus because we totally don’t get each other!
The weather was cold and grey again not helping my mood. It was time to leave
for more than one reason...
Were
these simply mind games or an exchange of possibilities? Was my response
governed by Christian indoctrination? Was I simply making much ado about
nothing?
Was this my learning process, how I respond to such behaviour and
thought processes? As I have pointed out previously, my belief system is wide
and varied including having sporadic contact with two very different female
psychics/intuitives in distinct parts of the world, one over a couple of years
and the other very recently. I have no problem accepting there are all manner of
dimensions, energetic variances and the existence of beings that we humans have
yet to truly comprehend. That said, discernment is vital...
I was relieved to be away from him
until the war of words and accusations began between us on email and
unfortunately my pent -up frustration and stress did not respond with dignity.
Let us just say after lengthy exchanges, we both agreed, using symbolism and
circumstances that had kept us from meeting despite seeing each other from afar,
that indeed our time was over. Thank you, universe, for our meeting and
teachings but time to go our separate ways till such a time we are slammed back
together again…
The following days were spent working through my feelings and
getting back on track with my ‘other life’.
I find myself feeling somewhat
better and able to take a step back and observe both my and Joy’s behaviours and
responses with an element of humour and again that vitak word, discernment, much to my relief.
Perhaps finally we have made a clean break, Joy and I...
But Just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get any
stranger…
I have been reading and investigating the effects of psychedelics for
therapeutic use for some time now. I have read books, articles and watched
debates with psychiatrists, psychologists and neurologists from all manner of
backgrounds. It is a subject that fascinates me and in which I have partaken for
therapeutic purposes. I had begun micro-dosing with what are commonly referred
to as magic mushrooms in order to aid my depressive episodes and trauma. Now
despite being micro doses, my at times extreme sensitivity to everything means
that the importance of my surroundings are even more paramount than most when
partaking in anything more than a cup of tea.
Perhaps micro-dosing on shrooms in a dark flat whilst watching Batman was not
the best combination...
But here I was, watching a chaotic loud movie when really
I should have been back up a mountain or at least in bed, meditating with calm
music. I was feeling slightly odd, and the imagery and sounds were becoming
slightly overwhelming when I found myself having an attack of laughter.
Most
therapeutic actually, though annoying to those watching the movie with me.
Suddenly, in the middle of the laughter fit my phone began pinging incessantly.
Intuitively I immediately knew it was connected with angel of joy.
My body was
refusing to respond, and it seemed to take an age to actually pick up the phone…
Imagine my surprise and perturbance as I began to receive countless messages and spirit downloads from a psychic far away.
She explains that Joy and I are twin flames, that she him and I were all connected through past life constellations, as well as in our life purpose now. Her guides were calling Joy and I to unite with her and her guides in a far-off remote
place, specifically in the coming days in order to coincide with the resurrection of Christ...
The movie sounds
were reaching a crescendo, my muddled shroom brain was struggling to comprehend
the message being relayed.
From being accused of selling my soul to the
devil, I was now being summoned to join with Christ, Angel, a psychic and her guides with total
urgency in a matter that Angel had no knowledge of. The messages became
stranger, more urgent. This psychic knew nothing of the present situation, that
Angel and I were not speaking, let alone in the same town nor that I was trying
my hardest to put him out of my mind and my life…
She knew nothing of what was ocurring between him and I.
Even in my moment of shrooms, I was extremely glad I had her messages of proof that none of this was just in my mind.
I sat in disbelief, shaking my head in wonderment. No matter how much I try to distance myself
from that man, my apparent twin flame, a soul mate, whoever or whatever he is,
something seems to occur to pull him back in be it physically or energetically.
“What’s up?” My movie companions ask when they see my face, my laughter becoming
more hysterical…
“Where do I begin? Well first there was this ex -soldier called
Angel of Joy, a caravan in the mountains, a dark entity, a psychic and Jesus
Christ and somewhere in between, a woman who apparently sold her soul to the
devil…”
And the rest I’ll leave up to you.
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