“Out beyond ideas
of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
There is a field.
I’ll meet you there.” Rumi
I’d like to say that years later, I’m a different person: I no longer cry at the mention of your name- I’ve completely moved on: I’m fufilled, certain of my path and no longer need to see your face.
Well, that would be a lie. The memories are raw, albeit less raw-but raw nonetheless. Those goddamn tunes of ours-Interpol, ‘Untitled’ still makes makes me cry and as for ‘Spiritualized’ Let’s not go there.
Some years have passed since the last time-15 since the time before- How the fuck did that happen? How did we happen? How many more times can one get burnt and make the same mistakes? Or were they mistakes? Are we paying for some sin in another life-here to torment each other, leave each other always just slightly wanting, never truly free of the ghosts…
Or is that just me? Are you happy now?
Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment, an incurable romantic? I have a brain ( I think!), I possess logic (of sorts) and I know there is far more to life than failed relationships and unrequited love.
And yet if there is one thing i’ve learnt whilst observing those around me it’s this; no matter your age, background, creed or colour- Love is a major fucker. You die for it-you kill for it-no matter what, one’s rationality goes head first out the window and you become a quivering wreck of insanity. Cynical? Moi?! The heart is the heart and oh boy, a complex place it is indeed.
In many ways I have moved on: So many new experiences; new people, new places, new Jobs, new lovers; good and bad experiences, i’ve had them all. I appreciate life and live it fully. There are many people I care for and love deeply; So as you can see, my life is far from empty…
But you remain a mystery; a face, a name, a memory that pops up when least expected, flooding me with a combination of anger, frustration, sadness or simply missing you deeply.
Are you just a fantasy or are you ‘the one’?
A wise elderly lady told me to never to give up until i know for sure-she did and regrets it to this day: At almost ninety she sits with his black n white picture by her side-it never leaves her. Her greatest regret in life; that she never had the courage to tell him how she felt. I heard her speaking to him deep in the night, her constant companion, long passed on but never forgotten.
So yeah, call me overly dramatic, but I see some people are gone but NEVER forgotten; there with you always.
Actually, as I read back to what I wrote some months ago I must add something -and that is something HAS changed: while I still believe that some people stay with you for life and have far more of an impact than others, I realise we do have a choice with regards to how much we dwell. This was originally the intro to my follow up of 'A Thousand Miles From Nowhere'-now however I think to myself, no matter how good or bad the story may be-do my readers REALLY want to hear me harping on over my lost love a second time round? I think not. I have many stories within me and it's time to let them out. THAT story has been told-It's time for a new one. :) ENLIGHTENMENT is great thing!